Walking the Walk: Do I Trust God Fully?

Wow. So where to start? I don’t even have a title for this post yet, nor do I know what this will even look like as I am trying to type this out in the browser of my phone without any tools I would normally have on a desktop computer. However, something big is going down and I need to share it with you. My ministry and authoring may be taking a big turn this week, and not because I set out to do it.

You see, what started as a small technology change led to big technology changes, which led to me losing everything I have. My book. My proposals. My research. My work for the security company I work for. My apps: to include Microsoft Office. My printer capability. Rosetta Stone. … I could go on and on. Basically, technology forced us to come out of 2011 and into 2019. The process led to an unimaginable loss of data, despite proper back up techniques. There is one sliver of hope, as all the files were “archived.” However, currently, that archived file is inaccessible, by me and the experts. You don’t need the details, but you can imagine where my emotions are right now.

I’ve spent the entire weekend, without much sleep, trying to mitigate the damage. It’s no one’s fault. Trying to be good stewards, we didn’t update every device every time it was possible and we didn’t buy the new software every time it came out. It wasn’t the fault of the experts who tried to help with one tiny problem and created an avalanche of problems afterward. Every one did what was “right.” But sometimes, things happen. It’s life.

So what do we do in these circumstances? I can tell you what I did. This control freak did what she does best. She hunkered down and fought the fight. I called the experts. Then I did things on my own. I had two laptops, two phones, three iPads, and one desktop computer all around me. I was trying to get them all operating properly and on current systems. I was downloading new drivers and trying to find backup files that disappeared. I ordered pizza so I wouldn’t have to stop to cook. I sent my family away so I could concentrate. And I worked. Worked like there was no tomorrow. Oh, and I cried tears of anger and frustration. I shook with rage and pled to God.

Then today, I went to church. Did I feel like it? Definitely not. I went because it was required of me. I was singing in choir and later in a benefit concert. I had to be there. And am I very glad that was the case. You see, as I started singing praise to God that I wasn’t necessarily feeling at the time, my problems started to be put back into their right place. As I listened to the preacher give a sermon that had nothing to do with my problems, my mind was redirected to where it needed to go. In other words, my mind and spirit were refocused on God, not my problems.

So after the first service, I decided I was not going back home to deal with technology. I told God that I would stay and go to Sunday School because I needed to focus on him and not my problem. Believe me, that was done with mixed feelings. But I was resolved that I needed to put my words into actions and keep God first. So I stayed to quickly help set up for the concert and booked it over to Sunday School.

Turns out, it was my day to bring breakfast and to teach. Something I didn’t remember because I had lost all of my calendars. As did my husband. So this hit us both as a surprise. However, God showed up and worked it out. As he always does. But that’s not the point. You see, I shared my heart with my small group. I told them that I didn’t know if I had it in me to start my book from complete scratch. The research, the writing, … everything. This book that I felt God had led me to write, the one that would impact so many (I hoped), … it could be all lost. All of our homeschool. Lost. All of my work. Lost. And my group did what it does best. They prayed for me. They comforted me. And they reminded me of God’s promises.

God knows my future. He knows my technology. He knew before technology came that this was going to happen to me. Whether he delivers me or not, he is still God. So what am I going to do about it? Am I going to trust God, whether or not I get my files back? Or am I going to wallow in the disaster of it, trying to control things on my own?

So I resolved at that moment that I am going to trust God. I’ve done the best I know how. I will sing God’s praises at this benefit concert with a full heart, knowing that he has me in his hand. When I go home, I will deal with the technology the best I can. And if I lose everything, I will cry out to him in my anguish. Then I will pick myself up, knowing I am an heir to his kingdom, and I will move forward where he directs. Because my life is not about what I want, it is about what he wants. And if he allows this to happen, then I will follow him anyway, wherever that is. He giveth and he taketh. It is his prerogative. My life is his, not mine. If he deems I don’t need those files, then I don’t need them. Am I praying that he restores those files? Absolutely. But I know that ultimately, it is his will.

So where am I headed? At this moment, I have no idea. For now, there are no Monday Memes. There might be In Chains. There will be some social media. I will definitely continue teaching. There will be a lot of prayer. I will be praying to determine what direction to go. If I lose everything, will I start over and try to write my book again? Or will I move forward and let it go? Do I need to focus my efforts elsewhere?

You see, within all this disaster, it also became apparent that our family needs to be spending more time together. This has become hard as my husband’s commute is up to two hours one way and sometimes can be longer if he catches a late bus. We’ve become involved in our church and other activities. Our priority of keeping God first is being seriously challenged and causing some family dysfunction. We are quite new to “stable life” and have learned some lessons about how we need to not be involved in everything. After all, we aren’t used to having the ability to be involved. So we learned we need some boundaries. We have a lot of decisions to make as a family.

So I ask that you join me in prayer. Not just for my technology, but for the steps forward. After all, that is the point. How do I move forward, with or without the files, keeping God center? That is what I would ask that you pray for.

I want to thank you for all your support and to thank you for your prayers, as I know many of you will pray with me. I am not leaving, just changing. So do not worry!